Woah Nellie! - Guidelines to Buying A Horse
pg1: This is nellie. She wants to buy a horse. But seeing as she is only 12, its more like her parents 'want to buy a horse'.
pg2: So parents, you want to buy a horse. This book will tell you what to expect and what will definitely happen.
pg3: Step 1: Beg. Have no shame, make charts if you have to. Practice on that goldfish you never knew you had.
pg4: Step 2: Beg some more. Kids want their ponies, so you're going to hear a lot of begging.
pg5: Step 3: If you aren't already a horse back rider, find a horse center where you can take lessons to actually see if you want a horse.
pg6: Step 4: Get good at riding (hopefully.) You want to be as ready as possible to get that horse. You aren't just gunna run into it willy nilly without thinking about it right? RIGHT?
pg7: Step 5: Fall into the void that you're never going to get a horse, cry a little bit. You may be sad kid, but your parents are probably happy that they don't have to pay 1800$ vet bills yet.
pg8: Step 6: Parents , see if your kid is actually into this riding thing. After all, you have to ride the horse. It can't just be a pet in the backyard. I mean it could...but that's an awful expensive lawn ornament.
pg9: Step 7: Kids, begging is a big part of this process, do a little more of it. Maybe even do your parents laundry. Something. Realistically you just want to show them you are responsible enough to take care of a 1200 pound animal, but im sure they wouldn't mind some clean dishes once in awhile. Maybe even put the toilet paper on the roll. That really makes them happy.
pg10: Step 8: Parents, talk about it. Buying a horse is a lengthy research process, so...do some research. Horses poop. What are you gunna do with it? Horses mess themselves up every other week. Do you have the million dollars to repair that one 1 inch long scratch on that rump of theirs? I hope so.
pg11: Step 9: Figure out what gender of horse you want. Geldings are good, pretty docile and chill. But I mean..if you really want a mare...I guess that's your choice.
pg12: Step 10: Find the horse and MEET IT. Parents, you don't want just any old craiglist horse. You don't want a horse that seems a little too keen to kill people, and you don't want a horse that never moves and looks like a blob.
pg 13: Step 11: Research the previous owner of the horse. A good owner will tell you everything within reason. A bad owner to buy from is one that makes their horse seem like superman.
pg 14: Step 12: Begin the buying process. Okay Mom or Dad, you're now a human ATM. College fund? Pfft. Never had it. Retirement savings? Buh-bye. Grocery money? Who said you need to eat anyway.
pg15: Step 13: Make sure you are well supplied with EVERYTHING. Buying a horse means you will have to buy things you didn't even know existed. Know what Coggins are? No? Better go figure it out because you will definitely need them.
pg 16: Step 14: After you have everything from grooming supplies to tack, go buy the animal that has taken up months or even years of your life and it wasn't even here yet.
pg 17: Step 15: Surprise or tell your kid. The surprise method can be fun, or you can tell them. Just make sure if you tell them. Tell them the night before you get the horse, and not a week ahead or something. Because your ears will be bleeding from all the chattering your kid is gunna do.
pg 18: Step 16: Go pick the horse up. Hope it can get in a trailer. If not, this lovely memory is gunna turn sour real fast.
pg 19: Step 17: Have your first ride. Okay IDEALLY, the ride will go smoothly. Breeze will blow your hair, it will be a beautiful day, birds will tweet and flowers will sing for you and your new buddy. But REALISTICALLY, its going to be one of the rougher rides of your life. Be ready for your horse spooking at everything and anything. Shadows, dirt, its own feet, anything is fair game.
pg 20: Step 18: Have your new horse get to know his friends. Most likely, you will be boarding your horse with other horses and families. So this means, that your horse will have to get introduced into the herd. Cute right? Best buddies? HA. No way. Horses can't make it easy. Be ready for your horse to get a wicked bad wound. "The initiation process" for you and your horse. First vet bill. I'm tearing up just thinking about it.
pg21: Step 19: Fall off. A lot. Kid you're going to fall off a lot. Moms and Dads, your kid is going to fall off a lot. You'll know the hospital nurses by name soon enough. Just hold hands and buy each other ice cream, it will be ok.
pg22: Step 20: Go do stuff! Afterall, this is your horse. Bond, have fun. Go run. Go play. Pretend you're in Lord of the Rings and riding Shadowfax or something.
pg23: Step 21: Learn about each other and embrace this new family member. This horse is as new to you, as you are to it. Get to know one another, take your time. You won't learn everything in a few months. It takes years and years to fully know a horse.
pg24: Step 22: Repeat. After all...can't just have one.
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